Gym Etiquette 101
Friends, I try to keep my snark down to a minimum on this here blog.
Ya know, its important to be a person of grace, mercy, and all that other good stuff. And 'judge not lest ye be judged,' right?
But I'm here to provide a service, and today that service looks like reminding people the basics of gym etiquette. I'm going to be snarky, I'm going to keep it funny, and I'm going to be honest, because (not to sound like an old crank), this generation doesn't know their [gym] manners.
An important note: I'm not pulling this stuff out of the air. These are real things I have seen repeatedly (not just 1-time flukes) at my gym.
- Benches, machines, and weights are privileges not rights. That means that if you are seated upon, or engaging with a machine, it is your privileged duty to use it to build your muscles. DO NOT sit on it for 10 minutes checking your dang phone. Unless you are deadlifting 400lbs, you do not need a 10-minute break. And if you do, get off the bench until yourself is rested....
- On that note, put together your playlist before you arrive so you are not constructing one on your phone whilst hogging the bench. In the five minutes it took you to find that Bieber tune on Spotify, I finished 3 sets.
- Men: You may have noticed the room is surrounded by mirrors. When you openly stare at a woman's rear end, we can see you. We see you right there. In the mirror that you're standing in front of....you are not a ninja, you ain't even conspicuous. You have been caught.
- Older men: I know you are 70+, but standing directly behind a woman and staring brazenly while she squats is all kinds of ridonculous. You do not get a hall pass because you are older. You are not her spotter, move along, creep elsewhere.
- Women: I know we have the freedom to wear what we want to in the gym because, America and feminism, BUT GIRL if you are doing Good Mornings, squats, or any kind of leg workout, DO NOT WEAR SEE THROUGH LEGGINGS. It ain't good morning when I'm working out behind you, and I can see all yo business.
- People who come to the gym to flirt, look I ain't hating. My parents met in the gym. They met while working out, which is a thing we should all be doing. You can flirt and lift at the same time. Stop milling about in front of things you aren't using.
- To the chick who steals three sets of dumbells, sets them at her feet and then texts for ten minutes while flexing her glutes...what are you even doing? You are not the many-armed Shiva, Hindu god and apparently hogger of weights. You have two hands which are currently engaged with your phone. Weights need to be shared with the other kids on the playground.
- Everybody. Wipe. Off. The Equipment. When. You. Are. Done. Sweating yo nasty on it.
- If the earbuds are in, that means somebody is in the zone and they don't want to chat. Earbuds out? You can say hello. Not complicated.
- If you are spotting for someone, you have one job: catch the weights so your friend doesn't get crushed and die. Now is not the time to be chatting up Shiva-hogger-of-weights even if she is flexing her glutes. Come on, people.
Alright, granny rant over. I'll see you all on the floor.